Have you ever lost something very dear to you? Your high school yearbook? Your engagement ring? Maybe the last remaining photograph of your dead grandmother? If you have, you know the feeling of intense loss, like you’ve lost a piece of yourself. But after awhile, you tell yourself that it’s just a possession, it’s not that important, and you put it behind you. You put on a face for the world that doesn’t show how much you miss what you’ve lost.

    “I’m sorry, but it just can’t be done.”

    “How hard can it be for a guy like you?”

    “Hard enough that I don’t think it’s feasible. You’re talking about replicating a fundamentally magical object with technology that would never fit the dimensions you’ve specified.”

    “So you can do it, just not at the size I want it?”

    “Oh, actually duplicating the function isn’t the issue. It’s reducing it in size and mass enough that the wearer doesn’t develop a hernia within two minutes that’s the problem.”

    “That shouldn’t be an issue for me, I have super strength.”

    “You don’t always have super strength, and I honestly believe that if you constantly needed to manifest it to ensure your back doesn’t break you would be limiting yourself even more so than you are now.”

    “…I’m forced to concede the point, I suppose. Can you keep it in mind, though?”

    “It is an interesting dilemma, one I will keep in mind. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some business to attend to.”

    “Thanks for your time.”

    But even though you’ve lost that prized possession, you, perhaps in futility, attempt to replace it.

    My name is Jay Boaz, though you may know me better by my more colorful handle, Hatman. The man I have just finished speaking with is Al B. Harper, resident scientific genius for the Lair Legion*. Recently I’ve discovered upon returning from the land of Faerie that my Hatility Belt has gone missing. The Belt is what I use to store my vast arsenal of headgear in the field. In case you are of the uninformed, my abilities allow me to take on the properties of whatever hat I am wearing. Two examples to illustrate; if I don a Sherlock Holmes style deerstalker, I become a master detective, whereas if I wear a Toronto Blue Jays baseball cap, wings grow from my back that allow me to fly.

    I’m not entirely sure how the Belt works, but the important thing is that it does work, and it allows me virtually unlimited options while battling for truth, justice, and what should be everyone’s way. I was discussing a possible technological replacement, but Al has just assured me that it cannot be done at this time.

    I’m not sure of the Belt’s actual origins. All I know is that shortly after I discovered my powers it arrived via courier. The courier had no idea who had sent it and as a result was of little help in finding out who had sent it. At the time I didn’t realize the significance of what I had, or else I would have worked a lot harder on finding out who had sent it.

    The Hatility Belt has been with me ever since I began my superhero career. It’s like a part of me, and I’ve been hiding from my friends just how much it means to me. I desperately want to go and find it, but my responsibilities in the Legion make it difficult.

    As I leave the Combat Platform control room, Trickshot approaches me. The arrogant archer and I had just finished up a battle simulation with Nats before my conversation with Al. To be honest, I’m surprised to see Trickshot still hanging around.

    “Something I can do for you Trickshot?”

    “Just wanted to chat with ya for a minute.”

    “About?”

    “How crappy you did in that last scenario.”

    “Excuse me? It was two against one.”

    “I’m not saying you should have won. I could take you all by my lonesome if I had to. But you were shaky. Hesitant.”

    “If I was hesitant would I have destroyed your quiver like that?”

    “What can I say, you got lucky. Look, to the normal human eye, you’re looking to be in top form. I bet Nats thinks he managed to pin you fair and square. But to this archer’s eyes, you’re hesitating. You go for that next hat, and I can see you struggling to decide which cap to go with since your options are so limited now.”

    “I’m still perfectly capable of handling myself in the field.”

    “Never said you couldn’t. But I understand, probably better ‘n anybody else here, how you can feel hamstrung by a depleted arsenal. If I don’t know where every single arrow is in my quiver, I could get into serious trouble. My options run lower and lower every shaft I fire, and you have to learn how to deal with it.”

    “I’m fine, Trickshot. I can get by without the Belt.”

    “You probably can. But I still think you need to go get off your duff and find it.”

    “Off my duff? Do you realize how many responsibilities I have now?”

    “I’m perfectly aware. Personally, it’s more than I would ever want. But you’ve decided to take them on, and to take on that much you need to be a whole man. You can’t be second guessing yourself.”

    “So what do you propose I do then?”

    “Take a couple days off, see what you can dig up. I think coming back from the dead should earn you that much time off.”

    “And who’s going to take over for me while I’m gone?”

    “I’ll take care of it.”

    “You?”

    “Never said I’d take on your jobs personally. I know how to delegate.”

    “I don’t know Trickshot. With everything going on, I should probably stay.”

    “Forget what you should probably do! Do what you need to do! The Legion got by while you were gone, we can manage for a couple more days! Now get going!”

    “Afraid my day is booked as it is. Let me run it by Sir Mumphrey and we’ll see.”

    “I can’t make you. But the Tactical Advisor should realize the importance of his team being at their best, himself included.”

    Trickshot turns and quickly exits the Combat Platform. As much as I hate to admit it, he’s right. I am hesitant, and he knows just as well as I do why. If I wasn’t, then I wouldn’t have gotten creamed so badly in our last battle with the Yurt.**

    Guess I had better go and talk to Sir Mumphrey and see what he thinks. After making my way to his office from the Combat Platform, I knock politely on his door. If there’s one thing that the leader of the Lair Legion responds well to is decorum.

    “Come in, what?”

    I open the door, removing my trademark Hatman cap as I do so. As much as he hates me wearing hats inside, he allows it. The least I can do is remove it in his office.

    “Good afternoon, Sir Mumphrey.”

    “Mr. Boaz, please, do come in!”

    I resist the urge to tell him, yet again, that he doesn’t have to call me Mr. Boaz. But, it would probably be easier to get Dream to watch ‘Batman and Robin” then to convince Sir Mumphrey to change his ways.

    “Now then, what can I do for you?”

    “I have a request to make.”

    “By all means, m’ boy.”

    “I need to take a few days off. You see-”

    “You want to go after your Hatility Belt, what?”

    “How did you know?”

    “Well, it would make sense that you would feel remiss without your instruments intact. Take all the time you need, m’ boy, we’ll get along fine for a few days without you.”

    I’m not sure, but I could’ve sworn I saw Mumphrey pat his coat pocket affectionately during that last statement. Regardless, I’ve got the time I need, and without the plea bargaining I had been envisioning.

    “Will you be wanting to take any of the team along with you then?”

    “No, I don’t think that will be necessary. Thank you very much, Sir Mumphrey.”

    “Think nothing of it, what? You just be coming back to us in one piece.”

    “Consider it done. I’ll leave first thing in the morning.”

    “Very good, m’ boy, very good. Well, best be off with you then, I have some business to attend.”

    “I’ll leave you to it.”

    I leave Sir Mumphrey’s office, satisfied that I’ll get my chance to go after my Hatility Belt. It was supposed to have been shipped to my parents after the team thought me dead, but it never arrived. I’ll go through the details later, for now I have to meet up with dull thud, Cressida, and the Manga Shoggoth for lunch. I can’t help but feel excited about going after my Belt, though.

    After all, it’s been a long time since I had a solo adventure.

Footnotes
    * This scene, and in fact the rest of this chapter, fits into "Hatman and the Lair Legion in 'Current Events'". This installment begins with the conversation between Hatman and Al B. Harper that we never witnessed in the previous story.

    ** As depicted in “Untold Tales Of The Lair Legion #167: The Return of Fin Fang Foom Again, or Leadership Challenges” by the Hooded Hood.

    And obviously I still can't do Mumphrey speak.